Fall is in full force as any parent who braved the trick or treat would know. This was our first year taking Max out on the official costume wearing binge and I found that, like most holidays, it was somewhat about the little ones and then again, a whole lot about us. Let's be honest...do these kids really like wearing polyester Yo Gabba Gabba costumes, itchy hats and walking up to houses with frightening talking skeletons and fiery pumpkins? Like most anything that's supposed to be fun, it's a bit of torture for them and a lot of vicarious living for us..or maybe it's a whole lot of torture for us and whole lotta livin' for them. Either way, it goes a little something like this.
1) Race home from work at 5pm
2) Feed Max dinner
3) Change his diaper
4) Fight him into his costume...and I mean fight...he was Elvis and that polyester suit was TIGHT
5) Run around the house like a lunatic combing for his felt kitty kat candy bag as he screams "Meow" "Meow" all around the house
6) Jealously watch my father and Mike take shots of tequila in celebration of...uh...Halloween...as I scramble around making sure everything is in order (welcome to being a wife and mother)
7) Gather the 10 pounds of candy we bought for the 11 trick or treaters we get and make sure everything is displayed for when we race home to feed the remaining 6 of the trick or treaters who will be there when we get back all the while obsessing over what the hell to do with the leftover candy and hoping that it doesn't all end up in my freezer and imagining what I'd look like 40 lbs heavier after I've eaten a handful of Snickers a day...oh wait...that was me pregnant...not ready for that again.
8) Display pumpkins outside of the house
9) Attempt to get Max and his cousin, Lyla, to pose for some kind of picture as Lyla runs in circles screaming and Max does nothing more than squat and look down at the ground...great photo op
After it took twelve minutes for Mike, my parents, Max, Lyla, Jenna, my mother in law, Jenna's brother in law, Jenna's in laws and me to make it all the way across the street to our neighbor's party...we proceeded to take another ten minutes for more mediocre photo ops with miserable children and then shove them into our neighbor's way too fabulous party...and I mean...they went all out...which of course made me wonder what I'm doing wrong. As I watched Max shuffle his way through their hay covered backyard replete with gorgeous Martha Stewart-esque homemade Halloween decorations, mini cupcake tower, and movie set worthy costumes, I was trying to figure out why I could barely manage to carve a pumpkin or two and they had bales of hay. Then it was off to another friend's house where we gathered the troops for the end all and be all of the evening...TRICK OR TREAT.
The one thing that Mike and I forgot in all of this was that our son is 15 months old. So, despite the fact that I shopped for two days (on Amazon, but still) for his Elvis costume, Trick or Treat was going to mean that Mike and I essentially would get to pick out the candy that we like from six of our neighbors' houses. And we had to make it snappy before meltdowns ensued. Each time a neighbor would hold their candy bowl out to us, we'd sift through it as if we were shopping for artisanal cheeses.
MIKE: "Oooh...they have peanut M&Ms."
ME: "We have a lot of chocolate stuff already. Grab the Starburst."
MIKE: "Hmmm...take the Almond Joy also because we don't have any of those at home."
And, fickle customers that we are, we left with quite a fine assortment of diabetes inducing treats and a son who took half of a Reese's cup, squashed it in his right hand, had a tantrum and threw himself on the sidewalk when we tried to take it away from him. We looked at each other...
MIKE AND ALEXIS: "It's over."
As we headed home, I noticed that Max had a nice brown smattering on his pristine, white and red sequined bell bottoms. "Shit...I think he shat," I grumbled. I ran after him and like any decent, self respecting mother, I shoved my nose right in his butt. "Nope, just chocolate!" I announced with glee.
So let's review:
1 $55 Amazon.com costume+10 bags of candy for 6 trick or treaters+2 tequila shots+1 felt kitty kat candy bag+2 discerning parental candy palates=A successful Halloween
Elvis has left the building.
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http://smuttypics.com/2011/03/28/not-quite-too-slutty-yet-until-she-takes-it-all-off/#comment-15081
Posted by: Jordon Greenblatt | June 02, 2012 at 05:53 PM