He's Heeeere

So I'm a mom. It's happened. Hence, the reason I've been living in a cave for the past three weeks.

First off, no one tells you what labor's really like. You see it in movies where the ingenue's water breaks in the middle of a street in New York city. Immediately, she's shrieking in pain, swatting at doctors and nurses and telling her husband to f-off. I'm not saying that that scenario doesn't happen, but if you never took any childbirth prep classes because you're too busy...um...scrapbooking, and if you've never taken a hospital tour because you have better things to do like going to see Toy Story 3, then here's what it's really like.

ME (to my sister-in-law, Jenna): I'm uncomfortable.

JENNA: What kind of uncomfortable?

ME: I don't know, just...(as I squirm in my chair)...I don't know...uggh...uncomfortable. I have, like, uggh, my, uggh, back is sore. It's like a dull pain, you know?"

JENNA: You're going into labor.

ME: No I'm not.

JENNA: You're telling me you have dull back pain and your due date is in two days. You're going into labor. That's what labor feels like.

ME: No it doesn't.

JENNA: Ok. What do you THINK labor feels like?

ME: Like, how it is in movies. Like, you get this tightness in your stomach and the pain is sharp and you're screaming...and...

JENNA: That's not what it is. What you have, that crampy feeling? That's labor.

And so I do what I always do when I know, deep down, that Jenna's right. I ignore it and pretend that I'm right until it's painfully clear that I'm wrong. Because that's the only sane thing to do. The same exact thing happened before I knew I was pregnant. I told Jenna that my mouth was burning. She told me I was crazy and I was probably pregnant because when you're pregnant, weird shit happens--you get strange tastes in your mouth, etc. And Jen's exact words were "Enjoy that glass of wine, girl, because once you take a pregnancy test it's all over." And ten months later, we have baby Max.

Back to the labor story. Here's where it gets Seinfeldian.

So in the midst of all of this, my in laws are over and Jenna brings up the fact that if I go to Dan Tana's and have the cappucino ice cream, I'll really go into labor because that's what happened to her. Then someone says that the cappucino ice cream at Dan Tana's isn't actually made by Dan Tana's, but it's really made by Al Gelato, an ice cream place in Beverly Hills.

ME: I don't believe that. It's ridiculous that Dan Tana's wouldn't make their own ice cream.

MY FATHER IN LAW: Well, there's only one way to find out.

So Jenna, my father in law, Mike and I pile into the car and head to Al Gelato to confirm whether or not their cappucino ice cream is, in fact, the same cappucino ice cream at Dan Tana's. We get there and proceed to order an obscene amount of ice cream--each of us gets a double scoop and in approximately ten minutes there isn't a drop of ice cream left, I'm in full on labor and sort of pretending like it's not happening (except for the fact that I basically can't sit down in the car on the way home) and now it's starting to have the feel of the movies.

We get back to the house and Jenna grabs my iPad to shop for "timer" apps so she can time my contractions. I'm attempting to watch the newest episode of Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami in between deep breathing and wondering when one is actually supposed to go to the hospital in this kind of situation. At a certain point, the pain's insane and it's time to get going.

Mike and I get to Cedars Sinai...

ME: We're supposed to park at P1.

MIKE: I know. Where is P1?

ME: I don't f-ing know! I thought you knew.

MIKE: I don't know but I will know. Just give me a minute.

We drive around and around.

ME: We should have taking the f-ing tour. I knew it. What the f-k is wrong with us?!

MIKE: We will find the f-ing parking! Just calm the f-k down...

Needless to say, we did, and once we checked in, and I got an epidural (which, by the way, is the greatest thing ever. I have no clue why anyone would ever attempt to give birth without being drugged out of their minds---I mean, would you get a root canal without anesthesia? Are we living in medieval times? Give me a f-ing break) we hunkered down for the night. The nurses assured me that I wouldn't be delivering the baby until the next morning. With my dad and Mike sharing a cot and my mom reading Vanity Fair next to me, I attempted to get lost in re-runs of The Insider.

A few hours later, a nurse came in to check on me and all of a sudden, I got that uncomfortable feeling again.

ME: Um...I'm feeling a lot of pressure in my butt.

BRITTANY (my amazingly fabulous nurse): Ok, let's check you.

ME: Oh yeah! Um...I feel like I'm going to poop out this baby!

Brittany confirms that yes, I just might "poop the baby" because his head is peeking out to say "what's up." It's go time (approx five hours . Dr. Serden is at the door and the we're taking this show on the road (well, on the road into the labor and delivery room right across the hall)

Seven pushes and a few shouts of, "Dr. Serden, it feels like I'm shitting a squirrel!" Max was born. 5:17 am. 8lbs, 4ounces.

That's one big critter.

FYI-the cappucino ice cream at Dan Tana's tastes nothing like the cappucino ice cream at Al Gelato.