And...this was in May. So needless to say I've gotten large...veeeery large. Most of the rest of me has stayed in tact (head, arms, legs, feet) but the belly is enormous. The boobs are enormous. But today I'm not complaining about my largess because, well, for crying out loud, there's a giant baby in there. And as such, I would like to comment on the very interesting state of affairs with my public and their relationship to "the belly."
It all started during month 7. I wasn't even that big (everything is relative) and I was standing on a street corner waiting for the light to change. The woman in front of me turned around, did a double take, and looked as if I were an elephant standing in the middle of Wilshire Blvd. Her eyes widened.
The lady: "Any day now?"
ME: "Nope. A few months to go."
The Lady: "Well, then you're definitely having two babies!"
ME: "Nope, just one baby."
The Lady: "Well! A really big baby!"
And with that, the light changed and we headed across the street--I, half hoping that she'd get clipped by the Porsche whizzing by her and she, pretty certain that my obgyn needed a new ultrasound machine. This was the first time I'd heard the "twins" comment but it certainly wouldn't be the last. Since that afternoon, I've probably heard...
"You sure there are only two babies in there?!"
"Wow, that's a giant baby!"
"Any day now?"
"Whoooo! You're ready to pop!"
And about a hundred different versions of each thing about a hundred different times. From Starbucks to Staples, from fine restaurants to Ralphs, I'm getting just about every moronic comment from every idiot I encounter. Perhaps they should all take a lesson from my husband. While he may look at me like I'm an alien-- I see the eyes of confusion and desperation on his face as I attempt to wrap a towel around me when I get out of the shower (it's sort of like putting a bikini top on a bulldog)...he remains...silent. Silent Mike is a contemplative Mike--he's not upset, he's just pondering...wondering what the hell happened to his wife. He knows it's all for the team. He knows it's the only way. But he still wonders...but never...ever...says a goddamn word...
In the early months of pregnancy, I asked him, "Honey, is my ass getting bigger?" to which he replied, "It's not getting smaller." I then asked (some might call me a masochist but I just couldn't see through my haze of nausea), "Honey, am i getting fat?" to which he replied, "You're not getting thin." Unlike most husbands who might have dug themselves into a hole of, "No honey, you look so beautiful" and "I love you pregnant" or my personal favorite, "Pregnacy is sexy" (quite possibly the biggest lie that any husband ever told their wife), he chooses succinct honesty--it's not hurtful, it's not blatant, it's just...there.
And at month 6, I told my doctor and his nurse to stop telling me how much weight I've gained. I don't look at the scale. I don't give a shit. The truth is that the numbers make me want to stop eating chocolate ice cream and Mexican food and burgers and I can't understand why any pregnant woman would ever want to do that.
At our breastfeeding class last week (more on that later), the woman who was sitting in front of us is pregnant with twins, due a month after me and she basically looks like I did at month 4. I took a giant bite of my steak quesadilla from El Pollo Loco and whispered to Mike, "She's a third of my size." He looked right back at me and said, "I know." So I polished off that quesadilla, sat back in my chair, and thought about how lucky I was...not just to have a husband who manages not to pull any punches without making me want to punch him in the face, but that there was a tray of chocolate cookies in the next room. These are the last days of disco, my friends, and I'm at Studio 54 getting blitzed with David Bowie and Bianca Jagger and there's no way I can think past those...damn...cookies. Yum.
Alexis I feel like you were writing on behalf of me... been asked if I was about to deliver since month 5, tracking along in size with my coworker 12 weeks ahead... I'm right there with you! xo
Posted by: Katie | June 29, 2010 at 04:41 PM