For those of you who are fans of this blog, you'll remember an entry I wrote a while back in which I discussed a new method I'd developed to get my husband to do things around the house. I'd simply say, "You WILL empty the dishwasher" in a hypnotic tone and he'd robotically reply, "OK" and he'd march into the kitchen and empty the dishwasher. Well, guess what? My tactic, which has, no joke, pretty much worked flawlessly for the past few months, is faltering. Uggh.
A few days ago, Mike left the country on business and I was desperately trying to get him to prepare for his departure EARLY. His office was a mess, bills hadn't been paid...bottom line? He had nag worthy, annoying, time wasting, irritating shit to do. He knew it and I knew it.
ME: "Honey? Can you call the accountant before you leave on Thursday?"
MIKE: "Yes."
Two days later...
ME: "Babe, what'd the accountant say?"
MIKE: "What?"
ME: "What did the accountant say?"
MIKE: "What are you talking about?"
Now I'm gritting my teeth...
ME: "I aaaaaasked you three days ago to call the accountant."
MIKE: "I don't remember that but OK."
When he said this, I think I actually heard the cartoon-esque sound of tires screeeeching to a halt.
ME: "What do you mean you don't remember?"
MIKE: "You NEVER asked me to do that, but OK, I'll do it."
Either this is early onset Alzheimer's or he's got a gimmick and I'm in REAL trouble.
I figured this had to be a fluke...I mean, there could seriously be a chance that he doesn't remember, right? I forget things all of the time...actually, let's be real, I'm a wife, I don't forget. Maybe husbands forget...Mike once told me that men only listen to about 20% of what women actually say so maybe he didn't hear me.
ME: "Honey, before you leave, don't forget to take that stuff out to the garage."
MIKE: "Sure, no problem."
A few hours later.
ME: "Honey, you said you'd take that stuff out to the garage!"
MIKE: "No I didn't."
ME: "OK, it was four hours ago. I asked you to PLEASE take that CRAP out to the F-ING GARAGE and you looked straight into my eyes and said, 'NO PROBLEM'!"
MIKE: "I don't remember that but OK."
I DON'T REMEMBER THAT BUT OK. This is a man's version of trying to mess with his wife. OK fine. I'll give him that. I did try to hypnotize him by using the phrase 'YOU WILLLLLLLLL fold the laundry' and he didn't flinch and neither...will...I. TWO CAN PLAY AT THIS GAME.
A few days later, with a cloying smile and buttery tone...
ME: "Sweeeetie?"
MIKE: "Hmmm?"
ME: "I don't know if you remember this, and it's TOTALLY OK if you don't, but I was just wondering if you could call the dog walker before you go."
He was just about to chirp, "No problem" (code for: don't even waste your breath because in three and a half minutes I'm going to be hit with a severe case of dementia and while it may not be severe enough to send me to the bank with no pants on, it will certainly make me "forget" absolutely everything you've ever asked me to do. You can bet on that).
ME: "Oh...wait..honey?"
MIKE: "Yeah?"
ME: "I just figured since you're so busy it'd be better for me to write some of these things down, so I made a list."
I think I actually saw, "GRRRRR," spray across his forehead.
I handed him the list.
MIKE: "Thanks..."
ME: "No problem."
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