Too good for TP

It's no secret that men aren't good at replacing the roll of toilet paper in the bathroom. We've watched this scene in movies and there probably isn't one couple in the history of, well, toilet paper, that hasn't had an argument that goes something like this...

WIFE: "Damnit! Why can't you just PUT THE TOILET PAPER BACK ONE THE ROLL! What the f*^&%^ is wrong with you????????!!!!!!!!!

HUSBAND: Why can't YOU do it?!

WIFE: Why can't YOU do it?!

And so these arguments are heard 'round the world, except, of course, if you live in my house. In my house, we have a different issue.

So, there I am, sitting on the toilet, minding my own business...catching up on US magazine's hard news...Rihanna's stupid, Jennifer Aniston's got a hot body, that girl from Slumdog Millionaire is gorgeous, there's no toilet paper, THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER??!!!

ME: "Babe!"

MIKE: "Yeah?!"

ME: "There's no toilet paper!"

MIKE: "OK..."

OK? What do you mean OK? Like, OK, what do you want me to do about it? Or, OK, I'll go get some? Or OK, why does it matter? What's OK?

ME: "What do you mean...OK? I need toilet paper!"

Mike whips open the door--PS-this is one of the most lovely aspects of married life-the fact that we can all just chat with each other while we're on the toilet. I try to avoid this practice but my husband seems completely fine with breaking the "fourth wall" so to speak.

MIKE: "There's none left."

ME: "What are you talking about?"

MIKE: "There isn't any toilet paper left."

ME: "I don't understand."

MIKE: "There...isn't...any..."

ME: "I'm not a moron, OK? I understand that there's no toilet paper but I can't understand how that happened. We just went to the market!"

BTW: Please DO NOT forget that, at this point, I'm still chilling on my porcelain throne, pants at my ankles, ready for this party to end.

ME: "If you knew there was no more toilet paper, why didn't you just get more?"

MIKE: "Because I don't use toilet paper."

ME: "What are you talking about? Who doesn't use toilet paper? Everyone uses toilet paper."

MIKE: "Well, I don't."

ME: "Since I'm pretty sure you don't use your hands, what, pray tell, do you use?"

MIKE: "Wipes."

I look next to our toilet to face what has now become my greatest obstacle to proper bathroom hygiene--THE BOX OF COTTONELLE BABY WIPES WITH THE CUTE LABRADOR PUPPY PICTURED ON THE PACKAGING. I forgot--my husband is a baby...literally. He needs special wipes for his ass...he loves these wipes so much that he's forsaken a daily necessity. He's too good for toilet paper and now we all have to suffer. 

ME: "You don't ever use toilet paper. Ever?"

MIKE: "Never."

ME: "What if we're on vacation and we're staying at a hotel?"

MIKE: "I bring my own wipes."

ME: "What if you're in a "situation" and you're not at home and you're not at a hotel and you're in a restaurant or someone's house..."

MIKE: "Not gonna happen. I don't "go" at restaurants..."

ME: "Never? What if it's an emergency?"

MIKE: "I don't "go" in public places. I wait 'til I get home or 'til I can make it to a friend's house."

ME: "Wow. That's a lot of trouble to go to...and, I'm assuming the friends..."

MIKE: "Yup...they ALL have wipes."

ME: "Of course they do. You've got it all figured out.

He smiles.

MIKE: "Yes I do."

ME: "But what about me?"

He gestures to the box of wipes.

ME: "I'm doing this just once. ONCE. And then, there'd better be a GIANT COSTCO sized pack of toilet paper."

MIKE: "Fine. But you should really use the wipes..."

ME: "I'm not a newborn baby. I don't need wipes."

MIKE: "Neither am I."

I shoot him a "look"

MIKE: "OK, so maybe I am."

ME: "Would you mind leaving your wipes and me alone for a minute? We have some business to take care of."

MIKE: "No problem."

Comments

[anne-marie]

Hi Alexis, Your blog was written up yesterday at YourTango.com. You can check out the entire post here: http://www.yourtango.com/200915213/blogger-crush-newlywedded

Do you have an email address where I can get in touch?

[Jeff]

You can eliminate all the silly arguments by adding Bathroom Bidet Sprayers to all your bathrooms. I think Dr. Oz on Oprah said it best: "if you had pee or poop on your hand, you wouldn't wipe it off with paper, would you? You'd wash it off” Available at www.bathroomsprayers.com with these you won't even need toilet paper any more, just a towel to dry off! Don’t worry, you can still leave some out for guests and can even make it the soft stuff without felling guilty. It's cheap and can be installed without a plumber; and runs off the same water line to your toilet. You'll probably pay for it in a few months of toilet paper savings. And after using one of these you won't know how you lasted all those years with wadded up handfuls of toilet paper. As for water use a drought is always a concern and must be dealt with prudently but please remember that in the big picture the industrial water users always far exceed the water use of household users and in the case of toilet paper manufacture it is huge. The pollution and significant power use from that manufacturing process also contributes to global warming so switching to a hand bidet sprayer and lowering your toilet paper use is very green in multiple ways.

[Color Me Green]

haha my bf uses wipes too!! although not quite as religiously as your guy! he still remembers when we need to buy more TP.