Last week, I celebrated my birthday.
After a few years of marriage, most husbands learn that, for women, birthdays, like anniversaries and Valentine's Day, are "loaded" holidays. They're rife with expectations and contradictions, leaving men bewildered and traumatized. Women LOVE to make statements like, "I don't want to do anything for my birthday this year," and "Don't get me a present. I just want to spend time with you." This year, I too, left my husband with little idea as to what would make my birthday "special." After doing the "I don't want a present" tango, followed by the "let's not have an expensive dinner" waltz, I was left feeling, as many women do, as if I'd made my bed..a messy bed...a boring bed...a bed that was certainly not a fun, birthday bed. So, in perfect wifely form, I decided to do a 180.
MIKE: "Where do you want to go for dinner for your birthday?"
ME: "You pick. I don't care."
MIKE: "Don't do that. You know you don't want me to pick because then, you won't be happy and it'll be so annoying."
ME: "Make some suggestions."
MIKE: "Lucques?"
ME: "But I thought we weren't going to do a fancy dinner."
MIKE: "It's your birthday, do you want to go to Tere's Tacos? C'mon..."
ME: "Lucques sounds great!! That's where I wanted to go all along anyway..."
MIKE: "When you insisted you didn't want to go somewhere fancy..."
TRANSLATION: You make no sense. You're full of lies. You're a typical woman-you can't be trusted. And it's true. When women say they DON'T WANT, THEY WANT. When they say YES LET'S, they mean LET'S NOT. She said no, but she meant yes.
And so, my big day rolled around and it was a busy, working Tuesday. All day, all I could think about was what Mike had gotten me for my birthday. But, wait a minute, I'd told him I didn't want anything. But I knew he'd at least get me flowers and a card. For sure. All day, I imagined a tall bouquet of lillies (my favorite flowers) sitting on our dining room table-their delicious aroma permeating our normally "dog" scented house. They would be more beautiful than any present he could ever get me. When I arrived home, there was our dining room table-covered with mail, Mike's gym bag and an empty bottle of Arrowhead. And then, I did something that women have been instructed NOT to do forever and ever. I abandoned all "codes," contradictions and coyness...forget it...I wasn't playing games. Out with it.
ME: "You didn't get me flowers!!!"
YUP. And he looked as if his second grade teacher had reminded him his book report, which he hadn't even started, was due today. I figured I was screwed. I was the biggest bitch in the world. He would cancel our dinner reservations then and there. You made your bed, now lie in it.
MIKE: "Oh f-ck!!!!!! I knew I forgot something!"
ME: "It's OK."
There she goes again-saying it's ok when it's not. Typical typical...
MIKE: "No, it's not."
I walked into the bathroom and two seconds later, I heard the front door slam. Ten minutes later, he was back, lillies in hand...their perfume wafting towards me.
ME: "I love you. Thank you."
MIKE: "I was NOT going to screw that one up. No way. Happy Birthday."
A few days later, we were going to have a few friends over for dinner in honor of the birthday. Mike sister, Jenna, and I were talking about what she was going to cook...
ME: Don't you think that, in this situation, Mike should get me a cake? Isn't that the husband's responsibility?
JENNA: I guess.
ME: I went to a birthday dinner once where the husband gave the wife a birthday cake with her picture on it.
JENNA: I'm sorry. What HUSBAND do you know who does that?
ME: That guy!
JENNA: No. That wasn't his idea. That was the wife's best friend's idea. In fact, the wife's best friend ordered that cake and let him pass it off as his idea.
ME: I still think it's cute.
JENNA: I'll make it happen.
She calls Mike.
JENNA: Let's get Alexis a cake for the dinner.
Jenna nods her head and mouths "he loves the idea."
JENNA: It should have her picture on it too.
She mouths again..."he loves it. He's going to do it!"
I wanted a cake. I got it. I wanted flowers. I got them. No games. No expectations. No ESP. Of course, the cake had a picture of me lying on a couch, exhausted from a New Year's Eve party and looking sort of like a wasted groupie but that was beside the point. It was delicious and it tasted even better because it was exactly what I'd wanted. My husband was happy because he'd knocked it out of the park, and that made ME even happier. So readers (ladies, especially), if you spend your relationships, your marriages, your time, expecting and waiting and hoping that your significant other will know what you're thinking...you're making a messy bed...one in which you'll be tossing and turning all night long...
Cake anyone?
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