Wives have to get their husbands to do things. If this wasn't part of marriage, then I guarantee you divorce rates would be lower. I don't care how tidy the man is, or how helpful he his, there isn't a wife out there who hasn't hollered, "Can you help me get dinner on the table?!" "Can you help clean this up?!"
It's a fact of domestic partnership.
The other night, as I stood at the sink and rinsed dishes, I looked over at Mike, who was folding laundry (no joke-he was actually folding laundry) and it suddenly dawned on me that if there was something I wanted help with, maybe I needed to try a different tactic. You see, usually it's this:
ME: "Could you please empty the dishwasher?"
MIKE: "Yeah, in a minute."
A minute turns into an hour which turns into never, and that's how I end up unloading the dishwasher. So I'm washing the dishes, looking over at my husband and all of a sudden, this comes out of my mouth.
ME: "After you're done folding laundry, you will take out the trash."
It was as if we were in a vaudevillian routine where the wife decides to hypnotize her husband-you willllllll get sleepy, you willllllll get sleepy. Here I was with the, "After you're done, you willllllll take out the trash," and strangely enough he gave me a blank stare and an....
MIKE: "OK."
OK? OK?! That was it?! I have spent nearly every night of my life with this man asking him "Could you please?" and "Would you please?" and now it's, "OK?!"
ME: "OK?"
MIKE: "OK."
ME: "OK!"
This would be my new tactic...forever. Later that week, I walked into Mike's office.
ME: "After you're done emailing, you willllllll go through the mail."
MIKE: "OK."
I grinned and chirped, "OK!"
That night, I'm downstairs having dinner with my sister in law and brother in law. Jenna and I are in the kitchen getting things together and she grunts, "I need Joey to get in here and help me with this stuff! Where the hell is he?!"
I smile as if I had just discovered the secret to the universe.
JENNA: "What?"
ME: "Oh nothing...except for the fact that I know how to get Joey to do anything you need him to do."
JENNA: "What are you talking about?"
ME: "When he comes in here and you ask him to set the table, don't ask. Just tell. Do it as if you're hypnotizing him. Make sure you lock eyes with him and remain determined. All you have to do is say, 'Joey, after you finish at the BBQ, you willllllllll set the table.'
JENNA: "Are you kidding? That may work with Mike but Joey's impossible. He'll never go for that."
ME: "Try it. It'll change your life."
Joey walks in.
JENNA: "Joe, after you're done with the BBQ, you willllllll set the table."
Joey tilts his head sideways. Jenna raises her eyebrows. Joey raises his.
JOEY: "Uh...OK."
JENNA: "OK?"
JOEY: "OK."
Joey floats out of the room in a trance with a pile of silverware and dishes.
JENNA: "That was amazing! You're a genius!"
ME: "I know."
JENNA: "This is literally going to change my entire life."
After we finish dinner.
JENNA & ME: "Joe and Mike, you willlllll help us clear the dishes."
They hesitate. They look at each other.
MIKE & JOE: "OK..."
Marriage is kind of like the military. Strategy is key, and more importantly, the secrets behind those strategies can never be revealed. As Joe and Mike rinse dishes in the kitchen, Jenna and I giggle in the dining room.
MIKE: "What's funny?"
JENNA AND ME: "Nothing! Absolutely nothing...."
I feel badly for your millions of loyal blog fans who don't have the privilege of being able to imagine your voices throughout this whole dialogue. I can literally hear you now. Best posting in a while, Lex!
Posted by: Molls | October 07, 2008 at 09:04 PM
OMG, if this relly works, I will be forever in debt to you. Will report back...
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