For those of you who don't know, my husband has had many MANY injuries...all of them basketball induced and each one causing me serious mental anguish. From broken fingers to concussions to sprained ankles, etc. I've seen it all. The greatest news, however, occurred last spring when I was informed by our dear ENT doctor that Mike had broken his nose at least 4 times over the last few years and it was time for him to have deviated septum surgery. Ah yes, recovery from surgery is true husband and wife bonding time. Two weeks of tampons up his nose, three weeks of consistent doctor's appts, and Mike constantly worried that he would faint at the first sign of blood. The reason I mention this is because ever since then, our ENT, Dr. Nasseri has saved our marriage. Due to the deviated septum surgery, there's practically no more snoring and Mike now wears the INFAMOUS PLASTIC FACE MASK when he plays basketball-the mask that makes me, and our insurance company, very very happy.
So last week when I woke up with a gnarly ear infection, Mike insisted that we visit Nasseri. When they plopped me on the examination chair, the nurses walked by exclaiming, "Ah hah! The Queen has finally arrived!" and Mike, sitting in the chair across from me, would wave nonchalantly. When the doctor came in, he determined that I have TMJ and that this was what was exacerbating my ear issue
DR: "To say that you're wound tight would be an understatement, am I correct?"
ME: "Probably. I do get kind of stressed."
DR: "Let's put it this way. I could toss a brick at your husband's head and he wouldn't even flinch but you...uh...you're different."
He continues to examine the ears, the throat, etc.
DR: "You know, you gave me one of my favorite quotes."
ME: "What's that?"
DR: "The one when you told Mike that if he got injured again, he'd have to find his own way to the emergency room."
Mike smiled. I would have smiled, except I was starting to feel like any more "uptight" comments and my jaw would fall right out of my head.
After a few hearing tests, the doctor determined that I have some sort of "hydrops" - I think that's what he said. Bottom line, my middle ear has a virus that's aggravated by salt, alcohol, caffeine, exercise, sex and anything else that might be considered fun. Oh, and yeah, I have TMJ. So basically, I'm wound tighter than a Sarah Palin action figure with an AK 47 and I can't even have a cocktail to loosen up.
I couldn't help but notice that my husband found this entire situation rather amusing. Especially when the doctor put me on a mix of cortizone and water pills.
DR: "You're going to be feeling a little wonky on the cortizone so take some Ativan before you go to sleep."
MIKE: "Awesome!"
Needless to say that on Saturday night at about 9:30pm I was wielding a Swiffer, a dustbuster and a bottle of Pledge like it was no one's business. I paid the bills, filed, did the laundry, cleaned out the fridge, sorted the recycling, and I would have washed the cars and mowed the lawn if it hadn't been midnight.
MIKE: "I don't think I would ever want to see you do cocaine. I think you'd propel yourself to the moon."
ME: "I can't believe how much stuff I'm accomplishing!!!!!!"
Then, I saw myself in the mirror. I was wearing a ripped t-shirt, my hair looked like the Bride of Frankenstein, I had a dishglove on one hand, a broom in the other and well, I could have gone trick or treating right then and there.
MIKE: "OK Mrs. Cortizone, let's call it a night."
ME: "But, I'm almost done bleaching the sink."
MIKE: "I think you've done enough for one day. Take your Ativan and go to bed."
When I finally settled into bed, convinced that I could stay up for the next three days and not even feel slightly screwed up, I popped the sleeping pill. I looked over at Mike. He looked just like I did after his first day of surgery.
MIKE: "Wow, you...uh...just watching you wore me out. But now I'm so tired, i don't even think I'm tired anymore, you know?"
As I drifted off, I handed him the bottle of Ativan.
ME: "Take one of these. You'll be fine."
Too bad I can't keep taking the cortizone forever-I could change the world one swiff at a time.
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